Green Oasis

As Gunner has reminded me, it’s been over two years since my last temple recommend interview. It’s time to renew…

DO YU HAVE FAITH IN AND TESTIMONY OV GOD TEH ETERNAL FATHR, HIZ SON JESUZ CHRIST, AND TEH HOLY GHOST?

No.

DO YOUZ HAVE TESTIMONY OF TEH ATONEMENT OF CHRIST AND OV HIZ ROLE AZ SAVIOR AND REDEEMR? KTHX.

No, I’m no longer convinced that I need saving from anything.

DO U HAVE TESTIMONY OF TEH RESTORASHUN OV TEH GOSPEL IN THEEZ, TEH LATTR DAYZ?

No. The Orthodox churches look a lot more like the New Testament than the LDS church. The LDS church looks more like a mixture of the various influences in Joseph Smith’s life, fermented in Rocky Mountain isolation, and filtered through modern American culture. Not so much like a restoration of early Christianity.

DO U SUSTAIN TEH PRESIDENT OF TEH CHURCH OF JESUZ CHRIST OF LATTR-DAY SAINTZ AZ TEH PROFET, SER, AND REVELATR AND AZ TEH ONLY PERSON ON TEH EARTH HOO POSSESSEZ AND AR AUTHORIZED 2 EXERCISE ALL PRIESTHOOD KEYZ? DO YOO SUSTAIN MEMBERZ OF TEH FIRST PRESIDENCY AND TEH QUORUM OV TEH TWELVE APOSTLEZ AZ PROFETZ, SEERZ, AND REVELATORZ? DO YOO SUSTAIN TEH UDDR GENERAL AUTHORITIEZ AND LOCAL AUTHORITIEZ OF TEH CHURCH?

No.

DO U LIVE TEH LAW OV CHASTITY?

Hmm, if I go by the temple ceremony that the “law of chastity … is that no one of you will have sexual intercourse except with your [spouse] to whom you are legally and lawfully wedded”, then yes.

AR THERE ANYTHIN IN YORE CONDUCT RELATINS TO MEMBERZ OV YOAR FAMILY THAT AR NOT IN HARMONY WITH TEH TEACHINGZ OF TEH CHURCH?

I feel happy to be free of church-service—induced absenteeism from family service and the requirement to indoctrinate my children instead of teaching them to think for themselves.

Let me be charitable and assume that this question was meant to ask whether I am a good husband, parent, son, etc. under the assumption that the church is good for families. Then, yes.

DO YOUZ SUPPORT, AFFILIATE WITH, OR AGREE WITH ANY GROUP OR INDIVIDUAL HOOSE TEACHINGZ OR PRACTICEZ AR CONTRARY TO OR OPPOSE THOSE ACCEPTED BY TEH CHURCH OV JESUZ CHRIST OF LATTR-DAY SAINTZ?

Hell! I am one of those individuals.

So yes.

DO U STRIVE 2 KEEP TEH COVENANTZ YOO HAVE MADE, TO ATTEND YORE SACRAMENT AND UDDR MEETINGZ, AND TO KEEP YORE LIFE IN HARMONY WITH TEH LAWZ AND COMMANDMENTZ OF TEH GOSPEL?

No. Instead, I’m striving to be a good person.

IS YU HONEST IN YOAR DEALINGZ WITH YORE FELLOWMEN? KTHX.

Yes.

R YOUZ FULL-TITEH PAYR? KTHX!

No. However, I am accepting applications from charities that I can verify are doing good things with my money. Can I see your books?

DO YUR KEEP TEH WORD OF WISDOM?

Yes, with one exception: I don’t drink mild alcoholic drinks as suggested in D&C 89:17. Instead, I abstain from all alcohol.

DO U HAVE FINANCIAL OR UDDR OBLGASHUNZ T 4MR SPOUSE OR CHILDREN? IF YEZ, IS U CURRENT IN MEETIN THOSE OBLIGASHUNZ?

No.

IF YOUZ HAVE PREVIOUSLY RECEIVED YUR TEMPLE ENDOWMENT: DO YU KEEP TEH COVENANTZ THAT U MADE IN TEH TEMPLE? DO U WEAR TEH GARMENT BUDD NITE AND DAY AZ INSTRUCTED IN TEH ENDOWMENT AND IN ACCORDANCE WITH TEH COVENANT U MADE IN TEH TEMPLE?

No and no.

HAVE THERE BEEN ANY SINZ OR MISDEEDZ IN YUR LIFE THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN RESOLVED WITH PRIESTHOOD AUTHORITIEZ BUT HAVE NOT BEEN?

No.

DO YU CONSIDR URSELF WRDY 2 ENTR TEH LORDZ HOUSE AND PARTICIPATE N TEMPLE ORDINANCEZ? KTHXBYE!

Yes, though I probably won’t attend. I haven’t missed going these past two years. I take my naps at home these days.

Actually, I feel better now that I don’t feel like a schmuck for not attending. Toward the end, trying to get meaningful insights at the temple—something that would make me a better person—was rather like trying to wring water from a dry sponge. I tried really hard, but I received little reward. Mostly, I felt good for fulfilling my obligation to attend… and a little better rested.

(Special thanks to the LOLCAT Interactive Translator.)

[Now that I've answered the questions without reviewing my previous answers, let me take a look, return, and report.… It's funny to see how little has changed. I gave very similar answers in some cases. The biggest thing to have changed is my general lack of angst. My reaction is generally "meh" unless I start thinking about being barred from my daughters' weddings. Grrrr.]

[The following is not intended to be an exposé of the Mormon temple ceremonies. The curious can find the temple ceremonies without the portions which initiates covenant to keep secret.]

When I arrived at the temple on that hot August day, I was in high hopes. This would be my first time through the temple, aside from youth trips to perform vicarious baptisms for the dead. I was told by my youth leaders before those trips that some particularly spiritual people see the spirits of the deceased who are being baptized in the temple. I had always hoped to be righteous enough to be like those people and see dead people in the temple. It never happened, but I blamed myself. I could think of lots of reasons God wouldn’t think I was righteous enough. Maybe someday I would be ready.…

I had heard such wonderful things about the temple. Everyone told me how special and uplifting it was. They told me that the Holy Spirit was stronger there than anywhere else in the world. I hoped that my experience in the temple would make my belief in the divinity of the Mormon church more sure. I believed that the gospel was true, but there were always doubts somewhere in the back of my mind. I longed to pass through the baptism of fire and the Holy Ghost and take my place as a faithful member of God’s church with an abiding conviction. I wanted to be truly converted.

I would be leaving on a mission soon, and receiving these ceremonies was an important step in preparing to serve. I had taken a temple preparation class and the Stake President had hinted at what would go on within the walls of the temple. He wasn’t very specific because what went on in the temple was considered too sacred to be discussed outside of its walls, even within the precincts of the Mormon chapel that I had grown up attending.

I had already had ample opportunity to discover the secret ceremonies before I personally entered the temple if that is what I had wanted. I worked as a page in a local library, shelving books. My boss assigned me to a section of the library which included the religious books. The book Secret Ceremonies was published during my time at the library. I skimmed sections of the book reading about the sordid details of the author’s life in Mormonism, but I fastidiously avoided the sections regarding the details of the ceremonies. I didn’t want to violate the sanctity of the temple ceremony with my uninitiated eyes.

So when I arrived at the temple with my parents on that hot summer’s day, I was in the dark about most of what was going to happen. I entered the temple and showed the Brother at the front counter my living ordinance recommend which showed that I had been recommended by my bishop and stake president as a faithful Mormon who was worthy to enter the sacred temple.

I was led past the counter to the locker room where I would exchange my “street” clothing (dress slacks, shirt, and tie) for all-white clothing symbolizing light, purity, and equality. When I entered the locker room, I was met by a shocking sight. Two men wearing strange hats, white flowing robes, and green aprons entered the locker room. They had just finished an endowment ceremony and were returning to the locker room to change their clothing before leaving the temple. I had already seen the ceremonial temple clothing—which is worn on top of the white clothing I was wearing—when my mother and I had purchased my own ceremonial clothing in preparation for this eventful day, but to see it being worn for the first time was a striking experience.

What exactly had I gotten myself into? I wondered to myself. I swallowed my apprehension and dove in.

I was calm throughout the proceedings even during portions of the ceremonies which would have made me uncomfortable in other circumstances. Being clothed in nothing more than a white poncho for the washings and anointings didn’t bother me as much as I had expected (although I did check to make sure that they really did mean for me to take off all of my clothing). Fumbling like a toddler to put on the ceremonial robes during the endowment ceremony didn’t embarrass me like it might have.

You’re given several opportunities to back out before entering into temple covenants. I wasn’t told what those covenants were prior to being given the chance to back out, so it was a leap of faith on my part to plunge forward. I wondered if anyone ever had backed out in the middle of the ceremony.

I was hot and confused when the day was over as I drove home from the temple with my parents. The late afternoon was extremely hot and I was now wearing an extra layer of clothing: the Garment of the Holy Priesthood. The temple ceremonies were too much to take in all at once. It seemed like I had just entered into an entirely different church, one that I had no idea existed before today. I was bewildered by the strangeness of my experience, but it felt good to be a new member of this exclusive club. I felt more grown up. I reviewed in my mind my new, secret name; the secret grips and signs; and the words of the ceremonies. I believed that I would need to remember them to get into heaven, so committing them to memory was very important.

I hadn’t experienced profound communion with the Holy Spirit in the temple as I had hoped, but perhaps if I kept my new covenants, perhaps I would someday soon.…

Talking to God gave me the idea to conduct a temple recommend interview with myself. First I’ll answer them as my former self then as my present self.

1) Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost?

Mormon Me: Yes. To myself: At least I’m pretty sure. I hope that counts. I mean I’ve never seen them, but maybe if I’m really righteous…

Awakened Me: No. I can’t see any reason to believe in God. If he does exist, he seems pretty truant. I never sensed anyone at the other end of all those prayers that I offered. In retrospect it seems like I was on my own the whole time. So, no I don’t believe in the Father, Son, or Holy Ghost.

2) Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?

Mormon Me: Yes. I’ve never really felt forgiven for anything, but I hope that if I go to the temple enough and do everything that’s expected of me I’ll be forgiven.

Awakened Me: No. Jesus seems like he was a great guy (if he isn’t just a myth). He had some interesting teachings, a lot like other moral teachers that came before him, but his followers took things too far. The Son of God? Seems like a religious power grab to me. Even if I could believe that he was God’s only begotten, why should I believe in him rather than the other messiahs of his time?

Oh, what was it that I need to be saved from again?

3) Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?

Mormon Me: Yes. Kind of, anyway. I haven’t made my mind up about Joseph Smith. He’s a hairbreadth from being just like all those cult leaders. Asking to marry someone else’s wife? That’s got “cult leader” all over it. But I guess he did a lot of good. The Book of Mormon and the Church are good, so he must have been alright.

Awakened Me: No. I haven’t made my mind up about Joseph Smith, though. He did some pretty awful things in his life and I don’t believe that he was called by a non-existent God. But did he really believe in his own calling or was he a charlatan? Did he start as a charlatan and start to believe his own lies? I just don’t know. He had some pretty innovative ideas about religion and I respect his willingness to go against the popular ideas of the day, but he was no prophet.

4) Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

Mormon Me: Yes. I hope he doesn’t bring up home teaching.

Awakened Me: No. Why do you keep asking me these questions? It seems pretty obvious that I don’t believe in any of this, so why continue? Oh well, if you insist.

I think its too bad that they claim to be infallible. It’s even worse that people believe them. They’ve made a lot of mistakes and most of what they say just comes down to opinion. And what happened to all of those revelations? It seems like no one since Joseph Smith is willing to speak in the name of the Lord, on official record at least. The current leadership is more like the board of a corporation than prophets, seers, and revelators. Where’s all the new holy scripture?

5) Do you live the law of chastity?

Mormon Me: Yes. I wish that I felt forgiven for all that stuff I confessed before.

Awakened Me: Isn’t that a pretty personal question?! Who died and left you in charge of my sex life? Oh right, Him. I guess that makes something resembling sense.

No… Yes. Are you counting masturbation? Really?! I’d like some scriptural backup for that because I think that’s a bit too extreme. Seems like the church bought into all that masturbatory insanity nonsense.

6) Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

Mormon Me: No.

Awakened Me: No, though I’m not actively following its teachings.

7) Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Mormon Me: No.

Awakened Me: Yes. Some of them are even in the LDS church. The more I think about it, it would seem pretty difficult to do any of your missionary work without affiliating with someone whose practices are contrary to the Church’s teachings. You really should get out more often. There are some really nice people out there who disagree with some things the church teaches. Didn’t Jesus affiliate with some pretty vulgar people?

8 ) Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and other meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?

Mormon Me: Yes. Strive being the operative word.

Awakened Me: No, not really. I don’t really care about covenants that I’ve made with a non-entity or obeying his commandments. All the same, I don’t think you would notice much difference between how I live my life and yours. My lifestyle hasn’t changed much since I left the church.

9) Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?

Mormon Me: Yes. Well mostly. I guess I could work harder at my job. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m giving an honest effort. Wait, does that mean I just lied about lying? Best to just keep quiet. What would it look like if I didn’t get a temple recommend?

Awakened Me: Not perfectly, no. But I feel a lot more honest now that I can talk about all of my doubts. I used to avoid investigating my doubts in case it might contradict the Church’s teachings. Truth and I weren’t on the best of terms. Now I do my best to find it even when it contradicts what I already believe. So, yes, I’m more honest than I was when I was Mormon.

10) Are you a full-tithe payer?

Mormon Me: Yes. Phew! At least there’s one question that I can answer without any reservation. I’ve been paying on the gross since I knew how to count my pennies.

Awakened Me: Not intentionally, no. What do you do with all that money anyway? Your church takes in a lot, but I don’t see as much coming back out. When was the last time you had an outside auditor look at your books? Don’t you think all those people giving you money deserve to know where it’s going? What do you have to hide?

11) Do your keep the Word of Wisdom?

Mormon Me: Yes.

Awakened Me: Mostly. I’ve heard green tea is pretty good for your health. You like Chai? You do know that’s made with black tea, right? Yeah, no. It’s tea. Um, maybe I should be asking the questions here.

Do you use meat sparingly, only in times of winter and famine? I see. Do you use mild barley drinks? Yeah that’s beer. Why not? It’s right there in D&C 89:17.

12) Do you have financial or other obligations to a former spouse or children?

Mormon Me: No. Another easy one.

Awakened Me: No.

13)Do you keep the covenants that you made in the temple?
Do you wear the garment both night and day as instructed in the endowment and in accordance with the covenant you made in the temple?

Mormon Me: Yes. I hope God isn’t too strict about that laughter thing.

Awakened Me: Let’s see if I can remember all of them. No. No. No. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Oh and assuming that there’s a covenant with that last sign and token, yes. I keep some of those covenants just because it would seem disrespectful to divulge someone’s sacred secrets.

And no, I don’t wear the garment anymore. Why do you think God would insist on keeping husbands and wives from feeling intimate skin to skin contact while they sleep? I never noticed before how much intimacy I was missing.

14) Have there been any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but have not been?

Mormon Me: No. Not this time, thank goodness.

Awakened Me: I haven’t done anything against the priesthood holders of the LDS church, so I don’t know of anything I need to work out with them personally.

15) Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord’s house and participate in temple ordinances?

Mormon Me: Yes, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Awakened Me: Do I meet your criteria for entrance? No. Do I feel unworthy of entering? No. Would I go if you let me? Probably not. It would feel like crashing someone’s party and pissing in their pool.

Now that that’s over, have you seen The Matrix? It’s pretty thought provoking. Better than a lot of the scriptures.…

[temple recommend interview questions courtesy lds-mormon.com]