Green Oasis

Don’t you hate when your children get hopped up on Kool-Aid and cookies, act out in front of their grandparents, and ransack your purse for sugar money?

Well actually, sugar does not make kids hyperactive. Yet another example of failed folk wisdom.

A recent Penny Arcade comic asked a question that comes to me once in a while.

Pictures of naked women used to be somewhat hard to come by. When I was a kid, we would occasionally find an adult magazine which would be quickly passed among the neighborhood kids. The magazine became a deliciously forbidden sacrament for a spontaneous cabal of children learning what it was to be sexually aroused. The shame of our society inflamed our desire in a heady cocktail of sex, guilt, and danger. We would each partake, constantly vigilant to prevent the infidel grownups from desecrating our secret explorations.

Twice in my young life we found treasure troves of nudity: once we found our neighbor’s huge porn stash in his backyard; another time I rescued a trash bag full of 1970s era Playboy magazines from imminent disposal. Through all the guilt of our naughty behavior, we cherished those magazines. We hid them carefully where no grownup was likely to ever go: in the disused, unkempt corners of our neighborhood only the children paid attention to. Every once in a while, we would furtively visit our caches with glances over our shoulders to enjoy the urgency of desire. We were careful because we knew it might be years before we found another opportunity like these.

At other times, we would turn our explorations on each other. Thick bushes provided a place to play “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”. I first saw a naked, in-the-flesh girl (who wasn’t a member of my family) in those bushes. A vacant house provided a chance to play strip tag. The rules were simple: if the person who is “it” touched a piece of your clothing, you had to take it off. I saw my first naked, in-the-flesh, postpubescent girl in that vacant house.

All of this before I was ten years old, knew what “horny” meant, or had discovered masturbation.

The point is that I remember these incidents vividly and fondly because they were 1) forbidden and 2) rare.

Not so anymore. You have to work hard to avoid seeing five vaginae before lunch. I mean people are giving the stuff away for free. I wonder whether the relative ease of getting porn is better or worse.

Would I have preferred a childhood where it was easy to see naked women?

LSD: My Problem Child by Albert Hofmann

I dreamt last night that I was eating at a restaurant. They served me some chicken that was literally just skin and bone: I peeled the skin off a drumstick and there was nothing but a bone underneath. I was pissed.

(photos via NOTIUN)

Did your Mormon relatives baptize your dead, devoutly Catholic grandmother (the one who went to Mass every morning)? Do you want to redeem the memory of your freethinking grandfather who thought Mormonism was hogwash but your cousins got baptized for him after the funeral anyway? Or do you just want to give your deceased Mormon ancestor the chance to get out of the Mormon church once they realize what an embarrassing mistake it was to believe Joseph Smith was a prophet?

Well, fight fire with fire by sending a proxy resignation letter. Using Mormon logic, by standing in their place you give your deceased relative the opportunity to exercise their agency. And it might just give you peace of mind that your ancestor’s honor has been restored.

Member Records Division, LDS Church
50 E North Temple Rm 1372
SLC UT 84150-5310

I [insert your full name], having an interest in the good name and beloved memory of my deceased ancestor, do hereby resign membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for and in behalf of [insert your ancestor's name], who is dead. As [insert your ancestor's name] is no longer a member (assuming they assent to this resignation), I request their name be permanently and completely removed from the membership rolls of the church.

I have given this matter considerable thought for and in behalf of [insert your ancestor's name], who is dead. I understand the consequences of these actions, and I will not be dissuaded.

After today, the only contact that is appropriate from the church is a single letter of acknowledgment.

Sincerely,

[sign your ancestor's name]
[insert your ancestor's name]
[insert your initials]

Or, if mockery isn’t your style, you may just want to send in a straightforward letter of protest stating your reasons why you believe the grave-robbing conversion is inappropriate. But where’s the fun in that‽

[This post was inspired by comments on a post at Main Street Plaza.]