Green Oasis

… the truth shall make you free.
(John 8:32)

You must be self-determined, knowing all that you do and say is right and true.
(my patriarchal blessing)

If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report
or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
(Article of Faith 13)

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
(Philippians 4:8)

I will not seek to compel any man to believe as I do,
only by the force of reasoning, for truth will cut its own way.
(Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pp. 313–314)

Be unafraid of new ideas for they are the stepping stones to progress. But you will respect, of course, the opinions of others [but be unafraid to dissent if you are informed.]… Now I mention the freedom to express your thoughts, but I caution you that your thoughts and expressions must meet competition in the marketplace of thought, and in that competition truth must emerge triumphant. Only error needs to fear freedom of expression. Seek truth in all fields, and in that searching you’re going to need at least three virtues: courage, zest, and modesty. The ancients put that thought in [the] form of [a] prayer. They said, “From the cowardice that shrinks from new truth, from the laziness that is content with half truth, from the arrogance that thinks it has all the truth—O God of truth, deliver us.”
(Hugh B. Brown, Man and What He May Become, BYU Speeches of the Year, 29 March 1958)

“That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.” Do not flinch from experiences that might destroy your beliefs. The thought you cannot think controls you more than thoughts you speak aloud. Submit yourself to ordeals and test yourself in fire. Relinquish the emotion which rests upon a mistaken belief, and seek to feel fully that emotion which fits the facts. If the iron approaches your face, and you believe it is hot, and it is cool, the Way opposes your fear. If the iron approaches your face, and you believe it is cool, and it is hot, the Way opposes your calm. Evaluate your beliefs first and then arrive at your emotions. Let yourself say: “If the iron is hot, I desire to believe it is hot, and if it is cool, I desire to believe it is cool.”
(Eliezer Yudkowsky, Twelve Virtues of Rationality)

I was born into a family with devout Mormon parents. They were married in the beautiful Mormon temple atop a hill in Manti, Utah. Their ceremony promised the creation of an everlasting family relationship which would continue after death.

The teachings of the Mormon prophets were the bedrock of their world view and their teachings to me. I do not doubt their sincerity and I am grateful for the moral foundation that they gave to me. My heart fills with gratitude for the love and support that they gave me through the years. I treasure the lessons of compassion and truth they passed on to me. I honor the legacy of integrity and honesty that they left me.

Despite my parent’s faith, I was a natural skeptic as a child. I probably took my parents’ teachings as a matter of fact when I was very young—I don’t remember—but I began to doubt their teachings even in childhood.

Early on, I struggled with the idea of believing in a God whom I couldn’t see. I remember staring up at the speakers on the ceiling of my childhood chapel during sacrament meeting and pondering in confusion how faith worked. I looked around and wondered why I was different from everyone else seated in the pews who seemed to have such certainty in His existence. I couldn’t feel the presence of God or his Son and didn’t know why I should be so different. Hearing others speak about their love for God baffled me. I could not relate. God always seemed a distant, unknowable character. He never introduced himself to me. I could love my mother, but God was a stranger to me.

In Sunday School, the lessons about Joseph Smith made me squirm in my seat. I couldn’t shake the impression that he was just making up stories, like I did as a child to impress my friends. I often exaggerated the truth or made things up so friends would think that I was more exciting or knowledgeable than I truly was. Hearing about Joseph’s angelic visitations and his visions of God made me wonder why I had never seen such things. What made me different? The stories were as fabulous to me as Santa Claus and Pinocchio, but I knew that the adults wanted me to believe them.

I remember having a discussion with my older sister questioning to her why we—meaning Mormons—could be so certain that we were right and everyone else was mistaken, that we were members of God’s one True Church. Every Sunday, I would hear people proclaiming that we were members of the only true church on the face of the earth. Most of our meetings seemed designed to reassure each other that this was a fact. I couldn’t find a good reason to believe this. I came to the uncharitable conclusion that everyone who professed to know that the teachings of the Church were the absolute truth was either lying or deceived.

When it came time to become a member of the Mormon Church through baptism at the age of eight, I remember being more concerned that if I didn’t get baptized that it would jeopardize my chance of becoming a Cub Scout. I loved reading through my father’s old Boy Scout manuals and fantasizing about all the fun they had camping and hiking. I was baptized one month after turning eight.

The adults in my life all promised that I would feel clean and pure after my baptism. The baptism rite was symbolic of God cleansing the initiate of all sins through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus. Even though this baptism is symbolic, it is still expected to have a literal effect on our conscience. I don’t remember feeling especially clean. The same guilt followed me as before my baptism.

At least I wasn’t delayed in joining the Cub Scouts.

10 January 2007

Dear President Seastrand:

The time has come for me to put distance between myself and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I can no longer in good conscience participate in any official capacity in a church whose precepts I no longer believe to be true. I therefore request that I be released from all positions in the institution of the Church. Effective immediately, I will no longer be acting in those positions which include, in part, Elders Quorum Secretary and Home Teacher in the Coronado Hills Ward. I apologize for the abruptness of this notification. Normally I would give more time for adjustments to be made, but conscience dictates haste in this case.

Please know that I am well and happy and that the time for you to influence me, even by persuasion and long suffering, is past. This would have been a letter of resignation from my membership in the Church except for the request from my wonderful, loving wife to retain my membership. It is for her sake that I do not resign.

My decision to take this action was made only after thorough study, deliberation, and many prayers. My decision is final. Any efforts by home teachers, visiting teachers, missionaries, quorum presidencies, members of the bishopric, members of the stake presidency, or any other official representatives of the Church to contact me in regard to this change of heart would be a needless, unwelcome, wasted effort. Please be dissuaded from any such attempt.

I bear the Church and its members no ill will. I acknowledge that, due to my family’s continued participation in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I will also continue to be in regular, informal contact with the Church and its members. I hope that this contact will continue to be characterized by the ideals of love and friendship which we all hold dear, and duly respectful of our various personal choices in how to interpret the evidences within our grasp.

You will find enclosed my temple recommend. I will shortly be returning the materials related to my position as Elders Quorum Secretary to President Pulotu.

Thank you for your help in this matter.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Blake

I felt as though I had awakened from a dream. My mind had been a jumble of confusing images of my own creation. I now awoke to clarity. I no longer saw the world through the same, farsighted eyes.

I had become more alive. Each moment had become precious. Yellow flowers made me happy. Simple nourishment made me grateful to be alive. I savored the sensation of cool water flowing into my mouth and down my throat. Children’s laughter brightened my world. Time with my daughters went too quickly. Sometimes it broke my heart to be away from them. The comfort of my wife’s arms was reflected in a feeling of inner peace. Compassion for the world filled my heart. Life had become precious beyond words’ power to convey.

That was the first blush of my awakening.

I leave behind my old, empty skin to walk in newness of life and freedom. I celebrate the inquisitiveness, irreverence, and honesty I had as a child and have begun to regain. I wonder at the miracle of existence which surrounds me. I feel a greater connection to the human family and the world which gave us all birth, a greater urgency to do what is right, more responsibility for my actions, more strength to live according to the dictates of my own conscience, more passion for life, now that I’ve toppled my false idol.

I know that where I’m at and what I’m doing is what I have chosen. I am wholly responsible for how I choose to react. There are no scapegoat demons to wage war on. There is no intercession for my misdeeds. My previous convictions were not wholly my own—products of fear, guilt, and self-deceit. Many of the ways that I once defined myself have crumbled to the earth in irredeemable ruin. From their ashes, I create myself anew.

Some of the ideas that I will express here will be uncomfortable for some. They were uncomfortable for me. That discomfort motivated me along my path of personal growth. It would defeat my purpose—which is to bring us to a mutual understanding—for me to avoid those uncomfortable issues. It may be tempting to imagine me as angry or hateful as you read my words, but please instead endeavor to see the calm spirit which motivates my writing.

I promise that I will not try to persuade you to believe as I do. My beliefs don’t require that you share them. Instead, I only hope that you will see the world through my eyes just enough so that you will understand why I have changed.